Revenge of the Trampoline Gusset

1022159Dear Housewives,

Yesterday, while walking down the street, my underpants fell off.

The day had started off pleasant enough. The weather was a bit gloomy, but it hadn’t started to rain yet. I decided to partake of some fresh air and walk to the grocery store. I was planning to make shepherd’s pie for dinner. It’s Kit’s favorite and terribly easy to throw together as long as you have meat and potatoes in the house. I didn’t.

I changed out of my at-home-only yoga pants, threw on a dress, and grabbed a pair of tights. Oh. Tights. They are, according to the size chart, my size. However, this particular brand of tights has an EPIC rise. I can easily pull the waist up to my armpits. Usually, I just pull it up to the bottom of my bra band. Even pulled up that high, I am left with what I call a “trampoline gusset.”

Tram·po·line gus·set
The platform of pantyhose or tights that is suspended between one’s thighs and inches below one’s crotch when it really should be huggin’ your hoo-ha.

In order to remedy the trampoline gusset, I donned a pair of underpants over my tights. All housewives know this trick. The mistake I made was choosing underpants with a low spandex content. Therefore, the following happened:

La la la. Walking down the sidewalk. Hmm. Is that… is that a trampoline gusset starting to edge its way down my thighs? Hmm. I think it’s okay; the waistband is still up to my boobs. I’ll just keep walking. Hmm. That gusset is getting really low really fast. Crap. It feels like it’s only a few inches above my knees.

And that’s when my underpants hit the ground.

Portman Doe

One Response to “Revenge of the Trampoline Gusset”

  1. Captain Fuchsia

    Ugh. I hate it when that happens. Very RUDE of your underpants.