F is the loneliest number

 Dear Housewives,

I’ve been recovering from having to explain the birds and the bees to young children. By “the birds and the bees,” I mean the sex.

The players:
Cora, aged 9
Maude, Cora’s little sister, aged 7
Portman, timeless
Alexandra and Brian, Portman and Kit’s friends and Cora & Maude’s parents

The scene:
Alexandra and Brian are out on a much needed date, leaving Portman to watch their two daughters and put them to bed. Portman, Cora and Maude are in the kitchen, the two girls perched at the counter. It is almost bedtime, and they are chatting about their science camp. Maude’s also been working on ridding herself of her adorable lisp, and Cora was showing off how Maude could now clearly say the letter F.

Cora: Say “fuck,” Maude.

[Maude is silent and looks sheepish.]

Portman: We don’t need to say that word, Cora. It’s not a nice word.

[Portman actually uses that word all the time because she swears like a sailor.]

Cora: She can say it, Portman. She can say the F word no problem. No lisp or anything. C’mon. Say it, Maude.

Portman: Cora. [eyebrows raised, evil-eye given]

[Maude looks completely embarrassed.]

Cora: Whaaaaaaaaat? Fuck. Fuck. Ffffuuuuuck. I bet you won’t tell us what it means.”

[Portman is not fooled by use of reverse psychology but does nearly shit her pants. What the fuck do you say to this?]

Portman: Cora, if you say that word again, you are are going to bed immediately.

[Cora knows this is not an empty threat.]

After they went to bed, I settled onto the sofa and read and then their mom Alexandra texted me.


I have been relieved of any future baby-sitting duties, and Maude is considering becoming a lesbian. My work here is done.

Portman Doe