Murder most fall

wear a muffDear Housewives,

Whew, what a fall it has been! Positively autumnal! I have been very busy, as always, and I am in recovery from the near-death experience of my beloved fiancée, Kit. (By the way, Google, nice job on the hetero definition of fiancée, but back to the tragic near demise of my lady love...*)

It was a lovely and rare sunny fall day here in the Lower Mainland. Kit and I were walking along the tree-lined street on the way to meet with our friend Melody. We had all planned to take a leisurely walk  to the library. Kit and I had almost reached Melody’s apartment building when, suddenly, Kit’s steps fell behind mine, and I heard her barely whisper the words, “Portman, help.”

On sunny fall days in Vancouver, the temperature drops. Something about the absence of any cloud cover to keep in the heat. Blah, blah, blah, I’m not a meteorologist. Kit had appropriately dressed for the weather and the occasion: skinny jeans, a purple sweater (as you already know, Housewives, purple is a very important colour for the gays). To keep her neck warm, she donned a long brightly coloured scarf under her trench. However well-appointed her outfit selection, it also was the bane of her existence.

By the time she gasped for me, Kit’s scarf was choking her to death. One of the scarf’s ends had caught between her thighs as she walked and quickly began to tighten around Kit’s neck, strangling her. The scarf being under her long buttoned-up coat, Kit couldn’t manage both to maintain any slack around her neck and to pull the scarf from her crotch.

Thank goodness I was there! I saved my fiancée’s life, and better yet, I can now tell people how Kit’s crotch nearly killed her on the streets of Vancouver.

Portman Doe


*Update: When I posted this entry on Dec. 4, 2013, the definition read “a woman who is engaged to be married to a man.” Within 36 hours of posting, the definition had been changed to “a woman who is engaged to be married.” Much more accurate now, Google.

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