Dear Housewives,

I, Portman Doe, am a terrible person.

I have a younger sister, and like many older sisters and younger sisters, we haven’t always gotten along. Sometimes I would call her Ratface.

I feel particularly bad about this now because my sister does not look like a rat. Not at all. In fact, if I had to pick a mammal (other than human) that she resembled, I would say a bear. I realize that this is perfect because if I call her Bearface, then she’ll think that I’m saying Bareface, and then just put on more mascara.

I bring this up now because there are people of the rodential persuasion. One of Kit’s good friends looks so much like a rat that I’ve had to hide his status updates on my Facebook timeline. Every single selfie he posts causes me revulsion as I fear contagion from his plagued facial features.

In person I think he may look look less rat-like. I’m not sure. On the occasions when Kit and I hang out with him, I can’t look him in the ratface.

Portman Doe

*Update: Kit just read this post and stood up for her friend. She says, “He does NOT look like a rat! He looks like a mouse.”