The sweet smell of bush

Dear Housewives,

A popular and true notion, as one heads into a future of Botox and Rejuvenex, exfoliation is the stop-gap measure for the appearance of a smoother forehead. Recently, there’s been much ado about scrubbing in the news. Housewives should take note! We need a product that is natural and environmentally friendly.

Conveniently for me, there’s a Canadian maker of soaps and beauty accoutrement (shampoo, facial masks, bathtub explosives, etc) with a store in town. They make a damned fine vodka-infused salt scrub. I can’t name the store here, but we’ll call it, um, . . . Bush.

I recently went into Bush to procure my favourite salt scrub, and I was overcome by the intensity of scentage. I am, of course, very delicate, and within minutes inside Bush my eyes were watering and my head hurt. The soaps and scents where bombarding me. Then a light bulb went off. I realized that Bush has quite the health and safety issues in store.

As you know, Ms. Portman Doe is on the front lines of social justice, not the working man’s man but more the salesgirl’s queer housewife. History has proven itself. Labour conditions cannot be ignored. Miners developed black lung. Mill workers developed brown lung. Bush workers are no doubt in danger of developing lavender lung.

The best thing to do is unionize and to limit how much you breathe in while inside Bush.

Or just order it online.

Portman Doe

*I would like to apologize if you encountered an earlier version of this post which contained a link to an incredibly offensive youtube video. That video was linked in error and does not represent the feelings or politics of Portman Doe. Oops.