Portman Doe and the Case of the Shit-tastic Zucchini Bread

Dear Housewives,

I recently repainted my kitchen and doing so required that I clean every inch of my domestic haven. There behind the microwave, I found the recipe for my grandmother’s zucchini bread. The best thing about my grandmother’s recipe is that it’s pretty much identical to almost all other recipes for zucchini bread on the Internet. However, hers has the benefit of more pineapple, more zucchini and whole wheat flour, and all that extra fibre means that you’ll be shittin’ pretty with every slice. Also, this bread is super delicious.

Here’s the recipe:

3 large eggs
1 1/2 to 2 cups granulated sugar (I tend to like less sugar)
1 cup vegetable oil
1 tsp vanilla
2-3 cups grated zucchini (You do not need to press out the moisture)
14 oz (398 ml) can of pineapple, tidbit or chunk
Cointreau (to taste)
lime juice (to taste)

3 cups whole wheat flour
1 tsp salt
1 tsp baking powder
2 tsp cinnamon
3/4 cup chopped walnuts

Preheat oven to 350° F. Grease a 9″ by 12″ pan. (You may use bread tins or other size pans, but, obviously, take that into consideration as cooking time will vary. I ended up using some random Pyrex casserole dish.)

Beat eggs and then mix in sugar and vanilla. Gently stir in the grated zucchini. Drain can of pineapple, reserving juice for later. Gently stir in pineapple chunks or tidbits.

In separate large bowl, mix the dry ingredients. Add wet ingredients and stir until all is combined. Pour into greased pan and cook for approximately 40 minutes.

While the bread is baking, pour 1 oz of the reserved pineapple juice into ice-filled cocktail shaker. Add 1 oz Cointreau and .5 oz lime juice. Shake well. Pour into lowball glass. Consume. Repeat until the bread is finished baking, you run out of liquor, or you can’t locate your oven.

Test bread for doneness with a toothpick. Let cool in pan for ten minutes. Then remove from pan and cool on wire rack. I never actually let mine cool completely since warm zucchini bread is delicious!


After cooling completely, the bread can be wrapped in aluminum foil and kept frozen for a couple of weeks. This bread freezes beautifully. I thaw my loaf in the fridge.

I hope you enjoy this hearty and delicious treat! Be sure to have extra toilet paper on the ready.

Portman Doe