Rhetorical Analysis

Dear Housewives,

It’s a new year, and Kit and I are surrounded by babies. Everyone we know has apparently forgotten how contraception works and has birthed an army of infants. An army. They are practically militarized I tell you. Armed with fully loaded diapers.

Now, now. We don’t hate babies. Certainly not. There are some adorable and delightful kids out there. However, certain parents like to post mommy/baby selfies several times a day, and, when one’s infant is particularly ugly, it’s a bit hard to take.

The hardest part for me is not responding to the mother’s persistent questions posted alongside the photos:

“Isn’t he just the cutest?”

No, he is not. I almost threw up my hipster donut at the sight of his face. That donut cost me $4.00, and now it just burns. Thanks, ugly baby.

“Don’t you think he’s beautiful? SO BEAUTIFUL.”

Are we looking at the same baby? I’m pretty sure the sight of your child gave me GERD.

“Don’t you think his face is just perfection?”

Maybe so, but only if he’s the spawn of an alien. We’re talking classic 1950’s alien depiction here.

“Sleeping. Doesn’t he have the face of an angel?”

Where are you even getting this stuff? Have you lost your mind? From that angle, he has the face of a bloated, drunken gnome.

Kit says that I’m not allowed to answer any of the mother’s questions. I have to keep it to myself, but, housewives, why is this mother asking if she doesn’t want someone to respond honestly?

The truth burns inside me just like the acid reflux.


Portman Doe