Empire of Dirt

887953Dear Housewives,

It is with a sad heart that I write you today. The long weekend has meant spending time with friends which is, of course, good, but it has also meant that Kit and I have been privy to the state of other people’s homes. My primary concern is why people aren’t regularly cleaning their toilets.

In a proper household, like yours or mine, the home is clean at all times. A regular schedule of cleaning ensures that even the smallest chore is completed in a timely manner. For example, daily tasks include washing dishes, straightening the living room, and wiping down the bathroom vanity. Weekly or twice weekly activities include dusting the leaves on houseplants, polishing bannisters, and scrubbing the bathtub. Keep in mind that tasks such as cleaning chandeliers and polishing silver should never be delegated to a maid. A schedule such as this helps to easily maintain a home for whenever company arrives.

In homes not compliant with a decent standard of care, I have heard that it is common practice to vacuum only just prior to the arrival of visitors. A flurry of domestic activity will quickly sweep up any clutter and deposit it in a closet or room closed off to company. These homes usually don’t bother with dusting, and I have heard they don’t even have furniture polish handy. Housewives, let’s not think about what the inside of their ovens look like.

I had remained blissfully unaware that in a home with a substandard level of domestic care that toilets would not be cleaned regularly. In fact, this past weekend, I thought I may have traveled from Vancouver through a wormhole, arriving in the washroom of a truck stop in rural Alberta. I have seen such places on television. While being unable to use the bathroom was sad enough, the fact Kit and I will no longer be able to socialize with these domestic heathens (née friends) is more the pity. For them. Not for us.

 

Yours,

Portman Doe