Hot stuff

4198482Dear Housewives,

If there is one thing queer housewives never do, it’s sweat. Glistening is acceptable during certain activities such as playing a vigorous game of badminton or cooking gourmet food over a hot stove. Sweat avoidance is, of course, difficult to do in the sweltering summer months of the Pacific Northwest. Today, for example, it’s 22°C/72°F. I don’t even understand how I’m managing in this heatwave. But do I look like I’m overheated? No.

Are you having trouble keeping your perspiration down to a glisten? Here are my 2015 Tips & Tricks to Stay Cool:

1. Keep a good distance away from any gyms. Nothing will make you sweat as much as being in a gym with other people who are putting off heat. Hanging around that sweat contagion, it’s as if those people WANT to be sweaty. Disgusting.

2. Keep hydrated. Vodka martinis are 57% water.

3. Wear lycra support garments. Despite popular opinion, lycra support garments do not make you hotter. They wick moisture from the skin. Along with providing a smoothing effect and providing support, they keep you cool. Most importantly, housewives, we are not Heathens. Wear your Spanx.

4. Buy an air conditioner. Do your part to keep the climate cooler. Al Gore approved this message.

5. Have a cold shower. We both know why.



Portman Doe


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