A Very Special Episode of Portman Doe

942211Dear Housewives,

I have once again neglected you. Kit and I have been extremely busy over the past few months while starting our homemade compound butter business. (It’s called Fundamentalist Butter. The Bountiful Blueberry butter is ah-mazing.) However, I have returned with a very important PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT regarding the most excellent Wachowskis/Netflix extravaganza Sense8. I realize that I should have posted this PSA as soon as we watched the series last month. Oh, well. My apologies if you accidentally watched this show with your mom, dad, brother, sister, aunt, uncle or third cousins.

This is the warning for those who have not already been permanently scarred:

You know how when two ladies get it on using a strap-on and then afterwards one of them takes it off and throws it down on the hardwood floor and it’s gloppy? That’s in episode 1, housewives. Obviously, watching the scene itself is not traumatizing, but the aftermath of watching that with a relative could be devastating.

If you watch the first episode with your aunt, she will definitely wait to ask you about it and your own experience with sex toys while she’s driving you down Highway 99 in her minivan. At that moment, you will calculate the odds of survival if you leap from a fast-moving vehicle and land, rolling into the ditch at the side of the road. The ditch will seem preferable to answering her questions.

 

Yours,

Portman Doe

 

2 Responses to “A Very Special Episode of Portman Doe”

    • Portman Doe

      You’re gonna love the Keep Sweet Honey butter! But steer clear of the Patriarchy Prune butter unless you’re having “issues.”

      Reply

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