Know It All

Dear Housewives,

I am deluged with emails from you all, begging me for advice, so I decided that I should probably dip into the Fendi mailbag. Today, for your benefit, housewives, is the first instalment of Portman Doe Knows It All.

Dear Portman,
I am concerned that I have ugly feet.
Janet from Vancouver, British Columbia

Dear Housewife Janet,

If you’re so concerned that you’re writing a blogger, it’s possible that you have ugly feet. But then again, maybe you don’t. I’m just glad that you didn’t include a picture. Good boundaries there.

Listen, most people don’t notice feet. The only ones who ever do notice are foot fetishists. See someone looking at your feet? Now you know what they’re thinking and will always wear socks.

Dear Portman,
How do you get your hair to always look so glorious?
Carla from Perth, Western Australia

Dear Housewife Carla,

It’s as easy as Whole Foods apple pie. (I know. It seems unfair to have such a head of hair.) Honestly, all I have to do in the morning is shampoo, condition twice, pat dry, add mousse, pomade, dry almost completely with a diffuser while my head is flipped upside down, and then hairspray before blowdrying once more until completely dry, followed by lightly teasing of the crown to ensure good volume. Voilà!

And remember: The higher the hair, the closer to God.

Dear Portman,
What’s the best current sci-fi series?
Diane from Lexington, Kentucky

Dear Housewife Diane,

Well, this is a tricky one. SyFy’s Killjoys just finished up its first season, and while there are some annoying romantic relationships going on, it’s got a cohesive plot and only a little waif-fu. SyFy’s Orphan Black is, of course, always a kick-ass winner. As I’ve mentioned previously, Sense8 is phenomenal, if leading to trouble in motor vehiclesAustralian (ABC1) series Glitch and the UK/US (Channel 4/AMC) program Humans are definitely both worth watching.

What will glue you to the screen, however, is Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders: Making the Team. It’s like The Stepford Wives, only with cheerleaders. They haven’t revealed who the android is yet, but I know who I’m putting my pin money on.

Dear Portman,
I just started watching The L Word for the first time, and I think I might be a lesbian. How do I know for sure?
Karen from Toronto, Ontario

Dear Housewife Karen,

If you’re attracted to Shane, you are a typical lesbian. If you’re attracted to Dana, I’m sorry. You are going to be very upset in later episodes. Finally, if you’re attracted to Jenny, then you need to seek therapy immediately. Something is definitely wrong with you, and it’s not because you’re a sapphic sister.

But, really, the only surefire way to know if you are a lesbian is to go to a Dyke March. Once there, if you find yourself wearing a straw cowboy hat, then you know you are definitely a big ole lesbian.

Dear Portman,
What is the proper etiquette when going out to dinner with another lady? How do I know who pays?
Jane from Detroit, Michigan

Dear Housewife Jane,

How am I supposed to know what lesbians do in Michigan?

And that ends the first instalment of Portman Doe Knows It All.


Portman Doe

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