Monthly Archives: November 2015

My Christmas stockings have Cuban heels

Dear Housewives, Holidays are a special time.  Many of us violate strata agreements by bringing dead trees into our homes. We are also reminded there used to be a feast of Stephen. Sounds kinky and, perhaps, cannibalistic. And there is a huge amount of planning that must go into holiday festivities. I usually repress the trauma… Read more »

No kick from champagne

Dear Housewives, Regrettably, I, Portman Doe, purveyoress of queer housewife wisdom, have not been doing well. Things started out fine. I began my day by donating my time to a charitable cause. My friends have a new yacht and needed company on the water. I obliged despite the havoc on my tresses. A lesson for you, housewives:… Read more »

Put down the knitting, the book and the broom

Dear Housewives, As you all know, my fear of being featured on any hoarding-related reality television series means that I frequently cull my closet. Separating the dowdy chaff from the sequinned wheat is difficult for many housewives, and I’m here to help. I have composed… Portman Doe’s Culling Criteria for Closeted Clothing Would Liza Minnelli wear it?… Read more »

Bubble bubble, toil and trouble

Dear Housewives, It’s shortly after 5:30 am as I compose this letter to you. I woke up early to a disaster of a kitchen.  Dishes and pots and trays and glasses covered our countertops, all leftover from last night’s dinner party extravaganza. One dishwasher is just not enough. I know, I know. You’re wondering, housewives, how… Read more »