My Christmas stockings have Cuban heels

Dear Housewives,

Holidays are a special time.  Many of us violate strata agreements by bringing dead trees into our homes. We are also reminded there used to be a feast of Stephen. Sounds kinky and, perhaps, cannibalistic. And there is a huge amount of planning that must go into holiday festivities. I usually repress the trauma of this task. However, there is hope.

One of my favourite queer domesticians, Femme Fraîche, has a blog I find highly enjoyable. I recommend that you find it highly enjoyable, too. Her latest post provides advice so that the American Thanksgiving holiday isn’t so exhausting for Americans. Her wisdom reminded me that I should give housewives some helpful holiday hints for the Winter Solstice period. Here you go:

Make gift-giving simple by creating a Pinterest board

Create a Pinterest board filled with all the goodies that you’d like to receive this December. It’s best if the links go directly to the online store. And, yes, Sotheby’s has an online bidding option. Use Pinterest’s share function to provide this board to your family and friend.

Ready what you can for Christmas (or non-Christmas) dinner

If you haven’t already booked your caterers back in February, then you’re pretty much screwed for hosting dinner at your place. Call around now to see if caterers are willing to put you on their wait-list. If they can’t and you haven’t secured a dinner invitation, well, I hope your guests enjoy Pizza Hut delivery.

Pencil in your holiday couture

As I’ve mentioned previously, the Advent of Social Media makes coordinating and not repeating outfits a crucial reality for the queer housewife. Search through your closets and prepare your spreadsheets now so that you can suss out what pieces you need to purchase for holiday parties.

Prepare linens for guests

If you have guests staying in your home, you’ll want to make sure their visit has the essence of the season. Use your crafty DIY knowledge to add that special holiday scent to their sheets and towels. Press fresh pine twigs between the sheets. Tie cinnamon sticks and holly to their rolled towels. Spritz guest robes with reindeer urine. Get creative and make it festive.

Make sure family and friend can relax

Holidays can be rough on visitors. Ensure that they have time to themselves in your home and book your spa date now. Remember: just say no to chemical peels until after New Year’s. No one likes a pizza-face.

Follow those simple steps, and your holiday will be as glamourous and Internet-worthy as mine.

Yours,

Portman Doe

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