As you all know, my fear of being featured on any hoarding-related reality television series means that I frequently cull my closet. Separating the dowdy chaff from the sequinned wheat is difficult for many housewives, and I’m here to help. I have composed…
Portman Doe’s Culling Criteria for Closeted Clothing
- Would Liza Minnelli wear it?
- Does it have a matching hat?
- Do the shoes make your feet bleed? Or merely pinch?
- Are the feathers still in good condition?
- It is neon green?
- Was the dry cleaner able to remove all the red paint from the PETA protesters?
- Why do you own jeggings in the first place?
- Mutton dressed as lamb is not this year’s look.
- Does it have a pocket for your lady flask?
- How worn is the leather on that harness?
Once you’ve curated your closet, donate the pieces that have been gently worn to the gay-friendly thrift store of your choice. Pieces in less than pristine shape can be saved for when you’re burning someone in effigy. (Best theme party ever, but that’s another story.)
In other donation news, Kit and I are venturing out to the stores in search of gifts for the Shoebox Project. For this holiday drive, shoeboxes are filled with happy little gifts and given to women living in shelters this December. Housewives, I know you’d love to shop for some gifts to make the holidays special for someone in the community. A movie pass! A cozy new pair of socks! A lovely hand cream! Delectable chocolate! Go here to get details on what to purchase and to find a drop-off location near you.
Further, if you have any Hermès, vintage or otherwise, that you would like to donate to a queer housewife, please contact me ASAP. I also accept Fendi.