Putting the bear in Béarnaise

441748Dear Housewives,

Warning: Spoilers ahead

That time of year has arrived when everyone’s favourite game show premieres. That show, of course, is Top Chef: Gaydar. Season after season, Top Chef: Gaydar brings us the queerest of the queer. Sure, some people seem to think that programmes like Top Chef: Gaydar overrepresent the homosexuals. Obviously, this is ludicrous as the entire show’s premise is homosexuals and their thoughts on Tom Colicchio‘s dreamy blue eyes. Even homosexual expert Michael Shaw tells us on Quora,”Homosexuality has become popular in entertainment media as a whole.” Of course, the homos are a rich source for entertainment! They make quality TV and Béarnaise sauce.

The first good look we get at this season’s chef-competitors is when they file in the Top Chef: Gaydar kitchen for the first time. It’s then we are met with our age-old conundrum. Who is a hipster chef? Who is a queermo? Who is a queermo hipster? Who is not?  Bald heads, beards and tattoos along with questionable choices in personal grooming. There’s a lot to take in. That’s right. It’s time: Wonder Twin Gaydar Activate!

My wife and I first homo-spotted Frances. Bleached mohawk. The subtle walk of a butch. And, in fact, she is the first to out herself when she talks about when she first met the woman she would marry. Adorbs.

We also discover that Karen is queer, and her partner LJ is a tux-wearing hottie. Karen is clearly identifiable as femme. However, the Top Chef: Gaydar website is full of spoilers, and we read that Karen identifies as a “Queer Femme lady.” Never again will I read up on bios because what is Top Chef: Gaydar thinking, giving us spoilers?!

But along with some softballs, Top Chef: Gaydar does challenge our gaydar skills by making us take into consideration the geographical diversity of the cast. Most of the cast are from the US, and accurately identifying regional gay identities requires finely tuned gaydar. Some chefs look like they might be gay, but they are from Seattle, so there’s no way of knowing for sure without more information.

The process of elimination does help narrow down the possibilities. Some chefs are clearly going to be best spotted as straight. They are dudes who sincerely use the term “badass” to describe themselves and engage in other bro discourse.

Who else will we spot as a practitioner of homogenic love? Only time and the season finale will tell who will come out as a top!

Yours,

Portman Doe

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