Real Housewives of Park Slope

Dear Housewives,

I’ve received a deluge of emails all asking when the Queer Housewifery blog will be optioned for the screen. I am thrilled to announce that we are currently in negotiations to make a small screen adaptation. Given the success of TV adaptations like S#*! my dad says and My Big Fat Greek Wedding, Kit and I are pretty stoked.

To fit within entertainment trends, Portman Doe will be a half-hour (22 minute) single-camera mockumentary-style situation-comedy shot in real time.  It will be set in 1980s Park Slope, Brooklyn, at the height of the AIDS scare, just to add some humour. Of course, to suit that setting, queer housewifery will have to become lesbian housewifery, but that’s not in the title anyway. The soundtrack will be full of Madonna, Cher, Kylie Minogue, and Cyndi Lauper.

The producers don’t want the queerness to be too authentic and scare folks off, but they want it to feel authentic so a general audience will love it.  To accomplish this authenticity, they’ll be casting two straight cisgender male actors in drag in the lead role of Portman and the supporting role of Kit. It’s gonna be so real, housewives.

Obviously, Matthew McConaughey is my number one choice to portray the role of Portman. I feel that McConaughey’s grit and depth of character in True Detective demonstrate his understanding of the plight of the queer housewife. For the role of Kit, we’re hoping to sign Channing Tatum. Kit’s level of hotness is equal to Mr. Tatum’s so that’s common sense casting. However, the production company is looking at Tom Hanks and Dave Coulier for Portman and Kit, respectively. Ellen DeGeneres might guest star as their, get this, homophobic next-door neighbour!

Whatever happens, someone’s definitely getting a Primetime Emmy and a Golden Globe.


Portman Doe

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