Resolute for the New Year

Dear Housewives,

Thank goodness the chaos of the holidays and the New Year is behind us. Running into acquaintances in January inevitably leads to questions about New Year’s resolutions, and I, frankly, housewives, have had enough of those questions. Isn’t December’s gauntlet of baking, gift-wrapping and one-upmanship enough? In fact, this year I was so busy that I forgot to make New Year’s resolutions. That said, after being asked so many times about my resolutions I decided that perhaps goal-setting is important, and, in an act of socio-cultural compliance, I am making some resolutions.  I want to make sure that these resolutions are ones that I need to work at– not like last year when I promised myself that I would focus on self-improvement. Really, why mess with perfection?

These are my resolutions for 2016:

1. Read more.

So far I’m off to a running start with this one. We haven’t gotten to the end of February, and I’m finishing my fifty-seventh book. I don’t want to brag or anything, but I haven’t slept since 2015.

2. Use the word &*$# more often.

I rarely use the word &*$#. It’s possible that I didn’t use the word &*$# at all last year or the year before. This is a shame because several of our friends have toddlers, and now is the moment to enhance their ever-expanding vocabularies. Besides, one of our friends has a five-year-old who is a total &*$#, and it’s about time that little &*$# learned to self-identify.

3. Practice spit-takes.

Who doesn’t find spit-takes entertaining? Particularly if they look effortless and realistic. This is a helpful skill for parties being held at frenemies’ homes. Pro-tip: practice outside.

4. Rewatch Torchwood

If you don’t know why, then I’m not sure why you are even reading this blog.

5. Shampoo my carpet on a regular basis.

This is not a euphemism. My wife Kit bought me a Hoover carpet cleaner for Christmas.

6. Moisturize more

If only Kit would stop by Sephora after work and get me some Origins High Potency Night-A-Mins Mineral-Enriched Renewal Cream. 1.7 oz jar, please.

7. Be less subtle when communicating with my wife.

Yours,

Portman Doe

2 Responses to “Resolute for the New Year”

  1. Roro

    These are all very valiant resolutions! I look forward to your increased spit-take prowess, as your current spit-takes are AN EMBARRASSMENT.

    Reply

Leave a Reply

  • (will not be published)

XHTML: You can use these tags: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>