These boots were made for walking

Dear Housewives,

Ever since a live-action version of the 1991 Disney Classic Beauty and the Beast was announced, I’ve been thinking about how Belle is one of the more astute of the Disney Princesses. A woman before her time, she loves to read, is interested in a more urban lifestyle, and, most importantly, is not interested in dating a hipster. That hipster’s name is, of course, Gaston.

Is Gaston a hipster, you ask? Perhaps he is of the subgenre lumbersexual? A little bit brawny and a little bit metro? Let me lay out the evidence for you, and we can decide together:

1.Enjoys craft beer. If it’s not made with local barley and a hint of lavender from a community garden, Gaston isn’t having it. You can see he likes to double-fist.

Craft beer

2. Well-tamed brows. Remember, housewives: our brows are sisters, not twins.


3. Accessorizes with arrows.
He doesn’t hunt with them because they are just to show his solidarity. Arrows also pair well with skinny breeches.


4. Uses antlers in all of his decorating. This local tavern is vegan to create subtle irony.


5. Participates in artisanal hunting. Now we know where Kit and Ace get their tanuki supply.


6. Clearly went to circus school. No one juggles eggs like Gaston.


7. Planned a Pinterest wedding. That’s right: He planned a Pinterest wedding before Pinterest weddings were cool.


8. Every last inch of him covered in hair. This is also his Grindr pic.


9. No one erotic asphyxiates like Gaston. Safe word’s Prince Adam.

erotic asphyxiation

10. He loves a good throw down with friends. Giving is as important as receiving.




Well, housewives, I think the evidence may have gone in a direction that none of us anticipated. But you can ask any Tom, Dick, or Stanley, and they’ll tell you whose team they prefer to be on: Gayston!


Portman Doe

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