Portman Doe’s tips for a relaxing holiday weekend

Dear Housewives,

On this holiday weekend, I’m sure that you, like me, are taking time to relax and, therefore, are deep cleaning your home. Nothing calms one’s soul like Lysol and a sponge. To help you through your holiday housewifery, I’ve come up with five rules for a better cleaning experience. All of these were inspired by our Prime Minister Justin Trudeau:

1.  Always wear gloves.

A housewife should never expose her hands to chemicals. It will damage one’s skin and ruin a good manicure. Plus, rubber gloves are great for foreplay.

2. Raccoons are for outside.

I didn’t think I’d need to state this guideline, but after seeing the state of an acquaintance’s kitchen, I realize that’s it’s a must. Clearly, the only possible explanation for such disarray was a gaze of raccoons holding a late night cocktail party.

3. Never mix ammonia and bleach.

Sure, from time to time, we all violate the Geneva Convention, but it’s best not to do so in our daily cleaning rituals.

4. Dust your chair rungs.

What are you? A domestic heathen? It’s Canada Day weekend for goodness’ sakes.

5. Always press your French maid’s outfit before cleaning.

You never know where a good spit and polish might lead.


Portman Doe

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