Posts By: Portman Doe

A is for Acid

Dear Housewives, As many of you know, I recently tried an at-home acid bath for my feet. In Canada, the product is called Footner, and consists of two plastic socks filled an acid solution that speeds the skin shedding process. You only wear the socks for an hour, but the product takes several days to… Read more »

Real Housewives of Park Slope

Dear Housewives, I’ve received a deluge of emails all asking when the Queer Housewifery blog will be optioned for the screen. I am thrilled to announce that we are currently in negotiations to make a small screen adaptation. Given the success of TV adaptations like S#*! my dad says and My Big Fat Greek Wedding,… Read more »

Resolute for the New Year

Dear Housewives, Thank goodness the chaos of the holidays and the New Year is behind us. Running into acquaintances in January inevitably leads to questions about New Year’s resolutions, and I, frankly, housewives, have had enough of those questions. Isn’t December’s gauntlet of baking, gift-wrapping and one-upmanship enough? In fact, this year I was so… Read more »

These boots were made for walking

Dear Housewives, Ever since a live-action version of the 1991 Disney Classic Beauty and the Beast was announced, I’ve been thinking about how Belle is one of the more astute of the Disney Princesses. A woman before her time, she loves to read, is interested in a more urban lifestyle, and, most importantly, is not interested in dating… Read more »

Putting the bear in Béarnaise

Dear Housewives, Warning: Spoilers ahead That time of year has arrived when everyone’s favourite game show premieres. That show, of course, is Top Chef: Gaydar. Season after season, Top Chef: Gaydar brings us the queerest of the queer. Sure, some people seem to think that programmes like Top Chef: Gaydar overrepresent the homosexuals. Obviously, this is ludicrous as the entire… Read more »

My Christmas stockings have Cuban heels

Dear Housewives, Holidays are a special time.  Many of us violate strata agreements by bringing dead trees into our homes. We are also reminded there used to be a feast of Stephen. Sounds kinky and, perhaps, cannibalistic. And there is a huge amount of planning that must go into holiday festivities. I usually repress the trauma… Read more »

No kick from champagne

Dear Housewives, Regrettably, I, Portman Doe, purveyoress of queer housewife wisdom, have not been doing well. Things started out fine. I began my day by donating my time to a charitable cause. My friends have a new yacht and needed company on the water. I obliged despite the havoc on my tresses. A lesson for you, housewives:… Read more »

Put down the knitting, the book and the broom

Dear Housewives, As you all know, my fear of being featured on any hoarding-related reality television series means that I frequently cull my closet. Separating the dowdy chaff from the sequinned wheat is difficult for many housewives, and I’m here to help. I have composed… Portman Doe’s Culling Criteria for Closeted Clothing Would Liza Minnelli wear it?… Read more »