Posts By: Portman Doe

Bubble bubble, toil and trouble

Dear Housewives, It’s shortly after 5:30 am as I compose this letter to you. I woke up early to a disaster of a kitchen.  Dishes and pots and trays and glasses covered our countertops, all leftover from last night’s dinner party extravaganza. One dishwasher is just not enough. I know, I know. You’re wondering, housewives, how… Read more »

Yo ho, yo ho

Dear Housewives, Sometimes we make discoveries that shake the foundation of our relationships. Yesterday evening, I was running errands when my wife Kit messaged me to say she was on her way home.  It was dark when I arrived back to our building, and I looked up to our apartment to see if Kit was home. She would have switched… Read more »

A pig and a poke

Dear Housewives, I’ve had the most distressing day. I attempted to buy packaged meat at the grocery store. I know what you’re thinking, housewives, “Why did she do it?” I, too, am perplexed and have surely learned my lesson. There are two butcher shops in our neighbourhood. I usually don’t go to the closer one. It’s the… Read more »

Know It All

Dear Housewives, I am deluged with emails from you all, begging me for advice, so I decided that I should probably dip into the Fendi mailbag. Today, for your benefit, housewives, is the first instalment of Portman Doe Knows It All. Dear Portman, I am concerned that I have ugly feet. Janet from Vancouver, British Columbia Dear… Read more »

Calling Lady Gregor

Dear Housewives, Exciting times here in Vancouver! It’s raining. I tried my manicured hand at making pretzels. The Vancouver Pride Society Board (rightfully) banned Christie Clark and the BC Liberals from participating in the Pride Parade. And municipal party Vision Vancouver has come up with a pretty triumphant idea for stirring up its gay vote: an evening at… Read more »

Hot stuff

Dear Housewives, If there is one thing queer housewives never do, it’s sweat. Glistening is acceptable during certain activities such as playing a vigorous game of badminton or cooking gourmet food over a hot stove. Sweat avoidance is, of course, difficult to do in the sweltering summer months of the Pacific Northwest. Today, for example, it’s… Read more »

A Very Special Episode of Portman Doe

Dear Housewives, I have once again neglected you. Kit and I have been extremely busy over the past few months while starting our homemade compound butter business. (It’s called Fundamentalist Butter. The Bountiful Blueberry butter is ah-mazing.) However, I have returned with a very important PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT regarding the most excellent Wachowskis/Netflix extravaganza Sense8. I realize that I should have… Read more »

Thank you for choosing Cat Facts

Dear Housewives, Do you know a lady who owns a cat or two? Do you notice that they often Instagram their cats? That they often talk about their cats as loved ones? Perhaps in their homes they have special spots reserved for their pets? Are they obsessed with looking at cats on the Internet? I… Read more »

Portman Doe is bawlin’

Dear Housewives, As you may know, buried deep within my ample, yet perky, bosom is a small, cold heart. Testament to my heart of stone, I seem to remain void of any emotion when watching even the most moving of programming. Case in point: I gave no hint of emotion while watching the new Star Wars trailer…. Read more »