Posts By: Portman Doe

True Lady Detective

Dear Housewives, A week later I’m still recovering from the season finale of True Detective. If you haven’t watched the smash hit set in the stunning Louisianan landscape, never fear, I won’t spoil the mystery for you. Let’s just say that it takes you places that JB Fletcher never did. Even in that episode when she… Read more »

Three Act Tragedy

Dear Housewives, Portman Doe is a planner. Portman Doe makes meals from scratch. Portman Doe has a regular schedule of cleaning activities. Portman Doe has OCD. As a housewife might imagine, the culmination of these activities and traits can lead to quite the hustle and bustle in the home. For example, this morning I sent… Read more »

The sweet smell of bush

Dear Housewives, A popular and true notion, as one heads into a future of Botox and Rejuvenex, exfoliation is the stop-gap measure for the appearance of a smoother forehead. Recently, there’s been much ado about scrubbing in the news. Housewives should take note! We need a product that is natural and environmentally friendly. Conveniently for… Read more »

Ratface

Dear Housewives, I, Portman Doe, am a terrible person. I have a younger sister, and like many older sisters and younger sisters, we haven’t always gotten along. Sometimes I would call her Ratface. I feel particularly bad about this now because my sister does not look like a rat. Not at all. In fact, if… Read more »

Reminiscing on Il Postino

Dear Housewives, I do love a good Italian film, especially if it gives me the opportunity to be pretentious. I recall a Friday evening some time ago when our TV Guide channel announced that Il Postino was scheduled as the midnight movie on a local Vancouver television station. How exciting! It was back before the… Read more »

Bamboozled or Bamglühweined?

Dear Housewives, Nelson Mandela has passed away. You may have heard. It’s all over the twitters and quite the controversy, too. Some people are talking about how Mandela was a great pacifist. Yeah, he was so down with apartheid that he thought that fighting over it was stupid. As our way to avoid historical revisionism,… Read more »

Murder most fall

Dear Housewives, Whew, what a fall it has been! Positively autumnal! I have been very busy, as always, and I am in recovery from the near-death experience of my beloved fiancée, Kit. (By the way, Google, nice job on the hetero definition of fiancée, but back to the tragic near demise of my lady love…*)… Read more »

We be jammin’

Dear Housewives, When my best friend Edna asked me if I’d like to come over to make jam, I immediately said yes. After all, having already learned a bit about making cheese, crafting my own shoes, and baking bread, canning would be the perfect addition to my domestic repertoire. I was very worried that canning… Read more »

The Miracle Worker

Dear Housewives, Yesterday was full of excitement, drama, and a possible career opportunity in the field of healthcare. I need a new pair of glasses. When I told Kit this last week, she decided I needed an eye exam by an actual doctor, and she called up her ophthalmologist and made me an appointment. I’m… Read more »

F is the loneliest number

Dear Housewives, I’ve been recovering from having to explain the birds and the bees to young children. By “the birds and the bees,” I mean the sex. The players: Cora, aged 9 Maude, Cora’s little sister, aged 7 Portman, timeless Alexandra and Brian, Portman and Kit’s friends and Cora & Maude’s parents The scene: Alexandra… Read more »