Posts Categorized: Cooking & Baking

Putting the bear in Béarnaise

Dear Housewives, Warning: Spoilers ahead That time of year has arrived when everyone’s favourite game show premieres. That show, of course, is Top Chef: Gaydar. Season after season, Top Chef: Gaydar brings us the queerest of the queer. Sure, some people seem to think that programmes like Top Chef: Gaydar overrepresent the homosexuals. Obviously, this is ludicrous as the entire… Read more »

My Christmas stockings have Cuban heels

Dear Housewives, Holidays are a special time.  Many of us violate strata agreements by bringing dead trees into our homes. We are also reminded there used to be a feast of Stephen. Sounds kinky and, perhaps, cannibalistic. And there is a huge amount of planning that must go into holiday festivities. I usually repress the trauma… Read more »

Bubble bubble, toil and trouble

Dear Housewives, It’s shortly after 5:30 am as I compose this letter to you. I woke up early to a disaster of a kitchen.  Dishes and pots and trays and glasses covered our countertops, all leftover from last night’s dinner party extravaganza. One dishwasher is just not enough. I know, I know. You’re wondering, housewives, how… Read more »

A pig and a poke

Dear Housewives, I’ve had the most distressing day. I attempted to buy packaged meat at the grocery store. I know what you’re thinking, housewives, “Why did she do it?” I, too, am perplexed and have surely learned my lesson. There are two butcher shops in our neighbourhood. I usually don’t go to the closer one. It’s the… Read more »

Don we now our gay apparel

Dear Housewives, The holiday season is no longer upon us. Thank goodness. If you’re anything like me, and you probably are, exhaustion has set in. You can only muster the energy to watch entire seasons of Miranda and Project Runway: All Stars. You’re probably asking yourself, “How did this happen?” or “Why am I now wearing leggings… Read more »

Portman Doe and the Case of the Shit-tastic Zucchini Bread

Dear Housewives, I recently repainted my kitchen and doing so required that I clean every inch of my domestic haven. There behind the microwave, I found the recipe for my grandmother’s zucchini bread. The best thing about my grandmother’s recipe is that it’s pretty much identical to almost all other recipes for zucchini bread on… Read more »

Three Act Tragedy

Dear Housewives, Portman Doe is a planner. Portman Doe makes meals from scratch. Portman Doe has a regular schedule of cleaning activities. Portman Doe has OCD. As a housewife might imagine, the culmination of these activities and traits can lead to quite the hustle and bustle in the home. For example, this morning I sent… Read more »

Bamboozled or Bamglühweined?

Dear Housewives, Nelson Mandela has passed away. You may have heard. It’s all over the twitters and quite the controversy, too. Some people are talking about how Mandela was a great pacifist. Yeah, he was so down with apartheid that he thought that fighting over it was stupid. As our way to avoid historical revisionism,… Read more »

We be jammin’

Dear Housewives, When my best friend Edna asked me if I’d like to come over to make jam, I immediately said yes. After all, having already learned a bit about making cheese, crafting my own shoes, and baking bread, canning would be the perfect addition to my domestic repertoire. I was very worried that canning… Read more »