Posts Categorized: Keeping up Appearances

A is for Acid

Dear Housewives, As many of you know, I recently tried an at-home acid bath for my feet. In Canada, the product is called Footner, and consists of two plastic socks filled an acid solution that speeds the skin shedding process. You only wear the socks for an hour, but the product takes several days to… Read more »

Resolute for the New Year

Dear Housewives, Thank goodness the chaos of the holidays and the New Year is behind us. Running into acquaintances in January inevitably leads to questions about New Year’s resolutions, and I, frankly, housewives, have had enough of those questions. Isn’t December’s gauntlet of baking, gift-wrapping and one-upmanship enough? In fact, this year I was so… Read more »

These boots were made for walking

Dear Housewives, Ever since a live-action version of the 1991 Disney Classic Beauty and the Beast was announced, I’ve been thinking about how Belle is one of the more astute of the Disney Princesses. A woman before her time, she loves to read, is interested in a more urban lifestyle, and, most importantly, is not interested in dating… Read more »

My Christmas stockings have Cuban heels

Dear Housewives, Holidays are a special time.  Many of us violate strata agreements by bringing dead trees into our homes. We are also reminded there used to be a feast of Stephen. Sounds kinky and, perhaps, cannibalistic. And there is a huge amount of planning that must go into holiday festivities. I usually repress the trauma… Read more »

Put down the knitting, the book and the broom

Dear Housewives, As you all know, my fear of being featured on any hoarding-related reality television series means that I frequently cull my closet. Separating the dowdy chaff from the sequinned wheat is difficult for many housewives, and I’m here to help. I have composed… Portman Doe’s Culling Criteria for Closeted Clothing Would Liza Minnelli wear it?… Read more »

Know It All

Dear Housewives, I am deluged with emails from you all, begging me for advice, so I decided that I should probably dip into the Fendi mailbag. Today, for your benefit, housewives, is the first instalment of Portman Doe Knows It All. Dear Portman, I am concerned that I have ugly feet. Janet from Vancouver, British Columbia Dear… Read more »

Calling Lady Gregor

Dear Housewives, Exciting times here in Vancouver! It’s raining. I tried my manicured hand at making pretzels. The Vancouver Pride Society Board (rightfully) banned Christie Clark and the BC Liberals from participating in the Pride Parade. And municipal party Vision Vancouver has come up with a pretty triumphant idea for stirring up its gay vote: an evening at… Read more »

Hot stuff

Dear Housewives, If there is one thing queer housewives never do, it’s sweat. Glistening is acceptable during certain activities such as playing a vigorous game of badminton or cooking gourmet food over a hot stove. Sweat avoidance is, of course, difficult to do in the sweltering summer months of the Pacific Northwest. Today, for example, it’s… Read more »

Mirror, Mirror

Dear Housewives, Picture it. Vancouver, 2015. Kit’s company was holding one of its parties. A little get-together, spouses and boyfriends and girlfriends and dogs invited. They turn the conference room into a buffet of Doritos and sushi, and we all meander around the office with our tipples, chit-chatting about banal topics. I had been cornered near the… Read more »