Posts Categorized: Lady Detectives

These boots were made for walking

Dear Housewives, Ever since a live-action version of the 1991 Disney Classic Beauty and the Beast was announced, I’ve been thinking about how Belle is one of the more astute of the Disney Princesses. A woman before her time, she loves to read, is interested in a more urban lifestyle, and, most importantly, is not interested in dating… Read more »

Putting the bear in Béarnaise

Dear Housewives, Warning: Spoilers ahead That time of year has arrived when everyone’s favourite game show premieres. That show, of course, is Top Chef: Gaydar. Season after season, Top Chef: Gaydar brings us the queerest of the queer. Sure, some people seem to think that programmes like Top Chef: Gaydar overrepresent the homosexuals. Obviously, this is ludicrous as the entire… Read more »

Bubble bubble, toil and trouble

Dear Housewives, It’s shortly after 5:30 am as I compose this letter to you. I woke up early to a disaster of a kitchen.  Dishes and pots and trays and glasses covered our countertops, all leftover from last night’s dinner party extravaganza. One dishwasher is just not enough. I know, I know. You’re wondering, housewives, how… Read more »

Yo ho, yo ho

Dear Housewives, Sometimes we make discoveries that shake the foundation of our relationships. Yesterday evening, I was running errands when my wife Kit messaged me to say she was on her way home.  It was dark when I arrived back to our building, and I looked up to our apartment to see if Kit was home. She would have switched… Read more »

Murder, She Rote

Dear Housewives, Many people would argue that watching cozy murder mysteries is a mindless form of entertainment: an hour or so of clean cut whodunnit with minimal gore and a tight wrap-up. Those people have shortchanged the cozy mystery. Through extensive televisual research, I have come to realize that Jessica Fletcher, Hercule Poirot, and Rosemary… Read more »

Portman Doe and the Case of the Shit-tastic Zucchini Bread

Dear Housewives, I recently repainted my kitchen and doing so required that I clean every inch of my domestic haven. There behind the microwave, I found the recipe for my grandmother’s zucchini bread. The best thing about my grandmother’s recipe is that it’s pretty much identical to almost all other recipes for zucchini bread on… Read more »

True Lady Detective

Dear Housewives, A week later I’m still recovering from the season finale of True Detective. If you haven’t watched the smash hit set in the stunning Louisianan landscape, never fear, I won’t spoil the mystery for you. Let’s just say that it takes you places that JB Fletcher never did. Even in that episode when she… Read more »

Three Act Tragedy

Dear Housewives, Portman Doe is a planner. Portman Doe makes meals from scratch. Portman Doe has a regular schedule of cleaning activities. Portman Doe has OCD. As a housewife might imagine, the culmination of these activities and traits can lead to quite the hustle and bustle in the home. For example, this morning I sent… Read more »